ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.