The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You know I’m something of a chef myself
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.