friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
peeping toms
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
guys I’m going home
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.