I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Seems a bit forward
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened