I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You Might Also Like
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Google assistant rules
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.