My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Had to try this trend 😊
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin