Thinking outside the box.. 馃槄
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Ah..makes sense now
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It鈥檚 amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
5: I鈥檓 bad at this puzzle
Me: you鈥檙e trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you鈥檙e bad at it
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I鈥檝e heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Movies didn鈥檛 prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
This is so funny you can鈥檛 even be mad LOL
Me recordaron 茅ste meme
If you鈥檙e wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.