Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
You Might Also Like
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.