5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.