They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
my dog when i have a friend over
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*