Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The pasta is now
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters