My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”