Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁