*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”