plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.