Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
You Might Also Like
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes