[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
it was love at first sight
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.