This is my pinned tweet
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Woke up against my better judgement again
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord