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finally found a reasonable question
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Miscakes
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.