Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“you changed” bro i was 15
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now