Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s