I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
OH. COME. ON.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?