THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Finally!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..