You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
You Might Also Like
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…