We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.