Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.