Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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The three genders.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.