Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one