God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If looks could kill
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me after drinking all the wine:
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late