a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years