I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You Might Also Like
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.