[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”