[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
#SaturdayBears