Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
im 7 sauces long
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.