[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
What
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Muppet Screams
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.