[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.