When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
This makes total sense…
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*