Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
dictator is short for richard potato
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”