Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
#Caturday
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer