Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Finally, an explanation.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
People that don鈥檛 have dogs, how do you clean up the food that鈥檚 dropped on the floor?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What鈥檚 the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A