Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin