birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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TWEET CALL
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My neck, my back, my…
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
flash mobs for serving divorce papers