If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.