Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet