Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Just so funny
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.