Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You Might Also Like
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.