Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”