*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.