🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.