THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed